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Revitalizing the Passion in Your Relationship
Bonnie Weiss LCSW
Jen complains, “We used to
have romantic dinners and talk for hours, now we barely update each other on
daily tasks and responsibilities.”
Rob bemoans, “She thought
I was the most interesting man she ever met, now she carps at me about little
things and doesn’t have time to touch me.”
What happens to passion in
a committed relationship as time goes by? Why is it so elusive?
At the beginning of a love
relationship, you let down the drawbridges and open the castle of your heart to
another person. Then in the natural flow of life your partner eventually behaves
in ways that triggers early pain from your childhood. This reactivates the
protective system designed to defend us from re-experiencing the deep hurt of
these wounded children inside us. These knights stand guard outside the castles
and engage each other, while the children hide in the basement away from the
light of day. Passion and engagement with your partner are replaced by safety,
and you become resigned to a lack-luster relationship.
How can we re-ignite that
flame and open those doors again?
The first step in
revitalizing a relationship is to pay attention to it. Set aside quality
emotional time away from work and other responsibilities. Create a space where
intimacy becomes possible again. This means taking quiet time for yourself as
well as with your partner.
Passion Recovery Process
The most important way to
recover your passion is to become curious about the internal dynamics that
dampened it down.
- Take a moment and
close your eyes, take a few long deep breaths, and remember what it felt
like to be open and close? What did it feel like in your body? Your heart?
What did you believe about the other person? What did that make you feel
about yourself?
Perhaps you felt special when you felt loved
and believed that you were finally being seen for your true self. You might have
thought the other person was sensitive and perceptive.
- Ask inside, “Who are
the guardians that are protecting my vulnerability?” You will be surprised
how quickly those voices are there, how clearly those bodyguards can come
into focus.
There might be a strong knight that says “You
will never be hurt or humiliated again. I will never let you be rejected!”
- Find that place
inside you where you can greet this guardian and be interested in it. Let it
know that you are there to understand it and appreciate what is it trying to
do for you.
- Ask this Protector to
share with you its current concerns and perhaps even its history. When did
it start protecting you and what did it believe about you then.
It might show you a scene from your childhood
where you were rejected or humiliated, when you were too young and powerless to
stand up for yourself. The protector has sworn to never let that happen again.
5. Let the protector know that you can take care of that inner child, and you
have more strength and resources than when you were young. Ask it to relax and
allow you to open your heart to your partner.
This is a learned skill so allow yourself time to work at it. Share with your
partner what you have learned about yourself, talking FOR your parts not FROM
them. Let them know you want to change these dynamics and become close again.
This can bring your relationship to a new level of trust and intimacy. This is
just the beginning, there is much more that can be done in a therapeutic
process, but setting an intention and moving towards each other again can make a
big difference in the felt sense of the relationship.
Reading: Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Model, Richard C.
Schwartz, available at www.selfleadership.org.
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