Patterns in Love Relationships

Jay Earley, PhD

Almost every couple has one or two places in the relationship where they get into trouble with each other. When this happens to you, you have the same fight over and over again, and each time you hurt each other in the same ways. Of course, the content of the fight may be somewhat different each time, but in essence, it is the same fight. This is because you have hit on a place where your interpersonal patterns trigger each other in a negative way.

This article is based on an older version of the Pattern System, which is a personality system I have developed for mapping your psyche and facilitating personal growth. It focuses on those places where your patterns conflict with your partner’s patterns, leading to gridlock and pain.  It also shows the way these patterns can change so your love relationship can flourish.

The Pattern System involves seven dimensions of interpersonal relating--Power, Intimacy, Support, Connecting, Conflict, Self-Esteem, and Trust. Each of these clarifies subtle factors that are operating when you interact with your partner and determine how satisfying and successful your relationship is.

Healthy Capacities and Patterns

In each of these dimensions, there is a pair of complementary healthy capacities. For example, in the Power Dimension these are the Assertive and Cooperative Capacities. For healthy functioning in a given dimension, you need to have both capacities; that’s why they are considered complementary. You need to be able to assert your own desires and also to cooperate with your partner. Some people will be more developed in their Assertiveness and some will be more developed in the ability to Cooperate.

Power Dimension

Ideally you would be strong in both healthy capacities. Most of us, however, are weak on one side and problematic on the other. In addition to healthy Cooperation and Assertiveness, there are problematic versions of Cooperation and Assertiveness which lead to difficulties in relating to others. I call these problematic ways of relating patterns because of their rigid and repetitive nature. A pattern represents a style of relating where you over-react or respond in a way that causes problems for your relationship. You react in a rigid, extreme, or distorted way that isn’t warranted by the situation. For example, a problematic version of being Cooperative is being Compliant, always giving in to your partner. When you are responding from a healthy capacity, you tend to respond in a flexible, creative way that is appropriate to each situation. To the extent that you are Cooperative, you are capable of standing up for yourself and disagreeing with your partner when that is appropriate even though you usually Cooperate. However, to the extent that your are Compliant, you will agree with your partner automatically without really considering what you want.

When you have a distorted or extreme version of one capacity, you are weak in the complementary capacity. For example, if you have the Compliant Pattern just mentioned, it means you are weak in Assertiveness. Similarly, if you are weak in Cooperation and can only be assertive, you might have an extreme version of Assertiveness called the Controlling pattern, where you always need to have things your way. We can show these relationships as follows:

Power Dimension

The Controlling pattern is placed to the outside of Assertive because it is a problematic version of Assertiveness. The Compliant Pattern is placed to the outside of Cooperative because it is a problematic form of Cooperation. To be considered truly Assertive you must also be capable of being Cooperative; otherwise your Assertiveness will really be Control. And vice versa, to be considered truly Cooperative, you must also be capable of being Assertive; otherwise your Cooperation is really Compliance.

Therefore each capacity is related to both patterns in its row. The one to its outside is an extreme or distorted version of it, and the one of the other side of the chart reflects a weakness in it. For example, in the above chart, Controlling is an extreme version of Assertive and the Compliant Pattern reflects a lack of Assertiveness.

When you are working on changing a problematic pattern, you need to develop the complementary healthy pattern, the one of the other side of the chart. Thus, looking at the previous chart, a Controlling person needs to develop Cooperation in order to grow, and a Compliant person needs to develop Assertiveness.

These patterns and capacities are not personality types, since a given person will have more than one pattern or healthy capacity. In fact, each person will have at least one pattern or capacity in each dimension. Having a system with dimensions makes it easier to discover what your patterns and capacities are. Taking each dimension in turn, you can reflect on what your behavior is like in that dimension and assign it a pattern or capacity.

The Power Dimension

The Power Dimension is actually a little more complicated than I have indicated so far because there is more than one pattern that can be an extreme or distorted version of Assertiveness and more than one that can be an extreme of Cooperation. The full dimension is shown as follows:

Power Dimension

Initiating and Responding. And to fully show how patterns interact in love relationships, we need to expand this table even further, to include rows for initiating and responding:

Power Dimension

The initiating row shows how people exercise power on their own initiative (or don’t). The responding row shows how people respond to someone who is being Assertive or Controlling. The healthy responses in that row involve being Autonomous and Cooperative. Here we have added a new healthy capacity--Autonomy. This means maintaining your individuality and sense of self while still cooperating with your partner as much as possible. The distorted reactions to someone exercising power fall into two categories. On the left side are extreme or distorted versions of being Autonomous--the Defiant Pattern, where you rebel excessively, and the Deceptive Pattern, where you get power in an underhanded or devious way. On the right side are extreme or distorted versions of being Cooperative--the Compliant, Passive-Aggressive, and Victim Patterns. The Passive-Aggressive Pattern involves consciously trying to please your partner but unconsciously taking actions that thwart them. The Victim Pattern involves complaining and feeling helpless in an unconscious attempt to elicit care-taking.

Here are fuller descriptions of these capacities and patterns.

Healthy Capacities in the Power Dimension

Patterns in the Power Dimension

In the descriptions of behavior for each pattern, I have included a number of possibilities. Not everyone with a given pattern will engage in all these behaviors. And people can have varying degrees of each pattern. You might have a light version of the pattern that doesn’t include the more extreme behaviors.

Notice that there is a conscious statement for each pattern and an unconscious motivation. Many people are completely unaware of the fact that they are acting from a pattern. They don’t think they are being controlling, just taking care of themselves. They don’t think they are being defiant, just defending themselves against being dominated. And so on. One of the most valuable things about learning this system is becoming conscious of your patterns.

Conflicts in Love Relationships

There are three different kinds of conflicts that show up in love relationships. I call these obvious mismatches, problematic attractions, and fear activations. We will discuss the first two now and fear activations at the end of this article.

Obvious Mismatches in Love Relationships

An obvious mismatch in a love relationship is a conflict between the initiating and responding patterns on the left side in any dimension. This is where two patterns obviously do not work well together. In the Power Dimension, there will likely be a major conflict between someone with a Controlling Pattern and a partner with a Defiant Pattern because each one will trigger the other’s pattern. If your partner is Controlling and you have a Defiant Pattern, you will get really angry at their attempts to have things their way, and they will get angry at your rebelliousness. You will have power struggles a lot of the time. Your Controlling will make your Defiant partner even more Defiant. And their Defiance will trigger you to be even more Controlling.

Obvious Mismatches in the Power Dimension

However, it is only when both of you are acting from a pattern rather than a healthy capacity that serious mismatches occur. If you have the Autonomous Capacity rather than a Defiant Pattern, it means that you are more flexible and less extreme in your responses to your partner’s Controlling behavior. You are capable of more Cooperation and you don’t get so triggered by their being Controlling. There is less likelihood of a major conflict. Similarly if your partner is Assertive but not Controlling, then even if you have a Defiant Pattern, you won’t get triggered so strongly because your partner will be asserting themselves in a more Cooperative way. And your partner won’t get so upset when you do get Defiant because they don’t need to be in Control.

Therefore if either you or your partner can move away from your patterns and develop healthy capacities, your conflicts will diminish. When trying to determine whether you have a pattern or a healthy capacity in a certain dimension, remember that it isn’t a black and white question. You may be Assertive some of the time and Controlling at other times. You may be mostly Assertive (which means you are capable of Cooperation) with a mild degree of Controlling behavior, or you might be extremely Controlling with very little ability to Cooperate.

You may be wondering why any two people with such an obvious mismatch would ever fall in love and get into a relationship. If this were the only dimension of love relationships, they probably wouldn’t. However, there are other dimensions, and two people might have great compatibility along a number of dimensions and still have an obvious mismatch in one. So they may fall in love based on the dimensions of compatibility and then run into trouble when the conflictual dimension comes to the fore.

Looking at the chart above, you can see that there will also be a conflict between the Controlling and Deceptive Patterns, but in the interests of keeping this article short, we won’t discuss that here.

Problematic Attractions in Love Relationships

The second kind of conflict occurs when there is a problematic attraction; two people are attracted to each other at first because of how their patterns seem to match well, how they complement each other. But over time, because they are patterns rather than healthy capacities, the attraction becomes a nightmare. When the hidden problem with your partner (and yourself) becomes more apparent, then the very quality that drew you to your partner becomes the cause for serious conflict in the relationship.

Problematic attractions happen between patterns in the left part of the initiating row and those in the right part of the responding row. In the Power Dimension, this means an attraction between a Controlling pattern and a Compliant pattern. If you have a Controlling Pattern, you may be very happy with a Compliant person at first because he or she seems to want everything that you want; he or she seems to think and feel the same as you do. However, over time things may change. You begin to realize that your partner doesn’t really agree with you but is just going along. You may begin to yearn for someone with some backbone, who has some opinions and desires of their own. You may get annoyed at your partner for being so Compliant with other people.

Problematic Attractions in the Power Dimension

If you have a Compliant Pattern, you may be very happy with a Controlling person at first because they are powerful and willing to take charge and make things happen. They will reach out to you; they will plan things for you to do together. You don’t have to assert yourself or think for yourself. However, over time you may get tired of always doing what your partner wants. You may resent always accepting their opinions about things. You may venture out with some thoughts or desires of your own only to have your partner dismiss them. You may suppress your resentment because you aren’t supposed to create conflict, but it will eat away at you, leaving you cranky or depressed or distant from your partner. You may begin to get Passive-Aggressive or Deceptive as a way of having some autonomy. You might even get Defiant at times. And your partner will not be happy with that change of behavior.

The reason problematic attractions go bad is because they are based on patterns rather than healthy capacities. Two people who are Assertive and Cooperative will also be attracted to each other, but they will be more flexible and less extreme in their behavior so they won’t get into trouble. The Cooperative person will assert herself sometimes and the Assertive person will be receptive to this. The Assertive person will want his partner to be herself and not just go along and she will be able to. Even if only one partner has a healthy capacity, things will probably be OK. For example, if your partner is Controlling and you are Cooperative, you may find ways to assert yourself that don’t feel like you are going against them. And if your partner is Compliant but your are Assertive, you may find ways to help your partner learn to assert themselves and you won’t be threatened by the results.

Looking at the above chart, you can see that there will also be a problematic attraction between the Controlling Pattern and the Passive-Aggressive Pattern, and also between the Controlling and Victim Patterns. However, these are beyond the scope of this article. To keep this article short, we have explored just some of the problems in the Power Dimension.

These same relationships hold in all the dimensions. Let’s look at each in turn, briefly mentioning the conflicts between patterns.

The Intimacy Dimension

This dimension deals with how you and your partner are close to each other and how you deal with the boundaries between you. The healthy goal is to be loving and Intimate while remaining Autonomous and Considerate of your partner’s boundaries. One distorted version of Intimacy is the Entitled Pattern, where you treat your partner as an extension of yourself and can’t see them as a separate person. A healthy response to your partner acting Entitled is to be Self-Protective of your boundaries. A distorted version of Intimacy on the right side of the chart is the Isolated pattern, where you avoid closeness or commitment. There are also two distorted responses in this dimension—the Defiant and Compliant Patterns which we have already seen in the Power Dimension. Here, however, they have to do with having overly rigid boundaries or its opposite, merging with your partner.

Intimacy Dimension

Healthy Capacities in the Intimacy Dimension

Patterns in the Intimacy Dimension

The Defiant and Compliant Patterns operate in both this dimension of the Power Dimension. Here I have written their descriptions to reflect how they operate with respect to boundaries in the Intimacy Dimension.

In this dimension, there will be an obvious conflict between the Entitled and Defiant Patterns and a problematic attraction between the Entitled and Compliant Patterns.

Conflicts in the Intimacy Dimension

The Support Dimension

This dimension has to do with how you feel your needs, ask for help, and express vulnerability, and how you care for and support your partner. And vice versa. The healthy goal is to be able to show need and Vulnerability when you feel it and also to be Self-Supporting. A distorted version of being Vulnerable is the Needy Pattern, where your needs are excessive because you can’t support yourself. Another distorted version is the Victim Pattern where you unconsciously try to get your needs met by being helpless and blaming. There are also two distorted versions of being Self-Supporting—the Need-Denying Pattern, where you avoid feeling any needs, and the Isolated Pattern where you also avoid closeness. The healthy response to your partner’s needs is to be Caring for your partner while also being Self-Oriented--oriented toward your own needs. There are two defended responses to your partner’s needs, the Isolated Pattern and the Entitled Pattern, where you are so self-absorbed that you can’t see your partner’s needs. There are also two overly solicitous responses to your partner’s needs—the Codependent Pattern, where your whole reason for existing is to take care of your partner, and the Compliant Pattern, where you feel you must comply with anything your partner wants.

Support Dimension

Healthy Capacities in the Support Dimension

Patterns in the Support Dimension

This chart also contains a number of patterns that we have already seen, but here they are described as they show up in the Support Dimension.

In this dimension, there will be obvious conflicts between the Needy Pattern and the Isolated or Entitled Patterns because people with those patterns aren’t very likely to provide the caring that the Needy person so desperately needs. The same is true between the Victim Pattern and the Isolated and Entitled Patterns. On the other hand, there will be a problematic attraction between the Needy Pattern and the Codependent Pattern and also between the Needy Pattern and the Compliant Pattern if the Compliant person is compliant about trying to meet needs. And the same is true for the Victim Pattern. There may be a problematic attraction between the Victim Pattern and the Codependent or Compliant Patterns.

Conflicts in the Support Dimension

The Connecting Dimension

This dimension has to do with the way you reach out to your partner and how they respond, and vice versa. The healthy goal is the be able to reach out Affectionately in an Authentic way that isn’t coming from disguised neediness. The distorted version of this is the Charming Pattern, where you try to charm your partner in a manipulative way to get them to admire you or meet your needs without having to ask directly for anything. The opposite distortion is the Insecure Pattern, where you feel undesirable and so you can’t reach out or where you feel easily hurt. The healthy response to your partner’s reaching out is to be generally Responsive to them while being Perceptive and Autonomous, so you aren’t sucked in by any manipulation. The Isolated Pattern is an unresponsive distortion, and there are two overly responsive distortions. One is the Idealizing Pattern, where you put your partner on a pedestal and think everything they do is wonderful, and the other is our old friend the Compliant Pattern.

Connecting Dimension

Healthy Capacities in the Connecting Dimension

Patterns in the Connecting Dimension